Taking Inventory

Another sleepless night ignites me to write again. Tonight has been a night of worry. Tonight I find myself thinking about my Cancer diagnosis. I have found that writing calms me, I have found it to be very therapeutic because I get to take all of these thoughts swirling in my head and put them down on paper. It allows me to clear my head releasing the old negative thoughts and making  room for new positive ones. This is vital for me, as my new journey includes healing the mind-body and soul.

Cancer attacks your Spirit like nothing else, Cancer is evil but I have decided to conquer it. I have shared in previous blogs, while removing myself and children from a toxic relationship years ago, my body started to deteriorate on a cellular level. Years of Cellular breakdown and chronic stress depleted my body and eventually led to my Cancer diagnosis, however,  Cancer is not a death sentence, you either live & thrive or suffer and die. I choose to live & thrive.

My new journey has forced me to take an inventory of my life on a deeper level. First  I had to start with my nutrition and exercise. I always ate healthy, but I have learned there are so many things out there that aid in fighting the Cancer. I have eliminated processed foods, dairy and meat. I am juicing, drinking tons of greens, eating tons of organic fruits & vegetables and teaching myself how to cook all of my own food. The second thing I had to do is take a look at my emotional and mental well-being.  This has been extremely difficult and is going to be a long process, but I am taking the necessary steps to fix myself. unfortunately, years of negative thoughts, fear, anger, resentment and grief have been stuffed down my throat and all of these things are TOXIC to my body and are slowing killing me. The third thing I had to address is my soul/spirituality. The past few years have been tough and I have become very angry for the bad things that have happened to me and my family.  I now know the importance of letting go of that anger and work on becoming  closer to my god again. I know I need god in my life, so he can take my worries and fear and carry them for me, so I can lighten my load a bit.  Baby steps, I am taking baby steps because these things are not going to happen overnight but each day will bring me closer to healing my body mind and soul. All of these things are difficult but not impossible.

If you have had a Cancer diagnosis,life threatening diagnosis,or your suffering from an addiction, whatever it is you’re struggling with, just know there is hope in healing. I’m being very honest when I tell you, If you don’t address all of these areas “mind-body & Spirit” you will remain sick or only temporarily feel better. It takes hard work, perseverance and belief to heal ourselves, but no disease can exist in a clean healthy body.Our bodies have the power to heal themselves if we provide it with the nutrients and care it needs. It is never to late to turn things around, never to late to start healing.

My purpose it to help people and to be part of the solution. In the past few months, I have been forced to be more grateful for the things and people I  have in my life, take time to be grateful each day and practice being less selfish – whether your just starting your journey to a healthier life or are in the process, hang in there. There is power in getting and staying healthy, knowledge is power and  do what is right for you, no one is else is walking in your shoes. Most importantly, never ever give up on yourself!!!!!  Stay healthy out there, until next time, Much Love, Jenn

 

This isn’t a dream….

My last blog as most of you know was pretty dark, hence the title my darkness.  I shared my struggles with my Insomnia, anxiety, fear. dark thoughts & dark memories and flashbacks that come alive each and every night. The un-invited demons that enter my world each night as the darkness starts to rear its ugly head.

Lately, when my body gets exhausted enough and actually gets tired of being tired, it will allow me to fall asleep, however, only for twenty to ninety minutes at a time. My body does not allow me to sleep for hours at a time yet. When my body allows me to fall asleep for these small amounts of time, it allows my troubles to go away.  Even if it is for a very short time,it is during this time that my body and mind gets to rest. I have no worries, no fears, no anxiety, no darkness. I have been grateful for these small moments. When I wake up after my twenty or sixty minutes of sleep that I’m allowed, it only takes a few seconds before I suddenly feel the excruciating pain in my stomach, It doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is real, no dream.  I wake up and I realize that I am sick, I have Cancer and I have a huge scar in the middle of  my abdomen that reminds me everyday what my body has been through. How I wish I were dreaming all of this-how I wish it were all a bad dream.

As the morning starts creeping in, the morning light starts peeking through my windows, I am able to see the pictures of my children, my boyfriend, my family and then I know I need to get out of bed and start the fight. The pictures give me hope, remind me of who I used to be, the good times, the laughter, the love that I am lucky enough to have. These pictures and memories are so important as they help me get out of bed, help me put one foot in front of the other and push forward. unfortunately this is not a dream this is my reality.

I’m sure you all know what I am talking about and can relate when it comes to sleep and dreaming. Sleep is so vital to our health, sleep allows our bodies to heal and repair, but sleep also gives us a bit of peace.  It gives us a break from everyday stress,troubles, worries, sickness, finances, whatever it is for you, hopefully your body allows you to sleep and if your lucky you get to dream a little.

Whatever it is your going through, know that it will all be okay.  What seems like the end, usually is the beginning of something better. Keep your faith and look for open doors in your life, they are often right in front of us but we neglect to see them. God sends specific people into our lives for a specific reason, don’t ignore those individuals. I suggest you put some pictures of the ones you love in your bedroom, or something that will inspire you to get out of bed ready to fight. Perhaps more importantly,find your purpose the reason to fight or ask yourself “what am I fighting for”?

Tonight, I pray for sleep, for all of us to be able to  rest our heads, even if it is just for a little while. Tomorrow is a new day and each day is a new start for every one of us, make the best of it.

I also have some exciting news, but you will have to wait a little longer before I can share with all of you.  After my  last episode with my health issues, I have been able to find my new purpose in life and it will allow me to help others.  Stay tuned everyone.

Much Love- Jenn

The DARKNESS

 

Night is fast approaching, I begin to see and feel my darkness. As night falls, my anxiety only rises. The loneliness sets in and its the beginning of another night paralyzed with fear.  Oh the thoughts, memories all swirl inside my head, I hate being left alone with these thoughts-the same morbid thoughts. I feel like I need to cry, but the tears won’t  come. The insomnia is never ending, the nights go on forever and then the light starts to appear, it’s morning now and still no sleep. My eyes feel so heavy and my soul so empty.

Let me explain, Ever since  my release from the Hospital 14 weeks ago, I have spent every single night in this darkness. I spent 23 days in the hospital,most of my time in the ICU, I was connected to a breathing machine and  unconscious. There were  times I could still hear the camotion, feel the doctors and nurses poking me, moving my body all the while, darkness consumed me. It’s hard to explain this, but this is how my surgeons and doctors explained it to me. Even though I I was unconscious, my sub-conscious  mind was still processing everything going on around me. It was during my time in the ICU that I nearly lost my life, but I have to believe that God wasn’t ready for me yet and  my body fought like hell, I’ve been blessed With a second chance.

Today one of my doctors diagnosed me with Acute Stress Disorder and now I will need to start counseling so my mind can heal.  Today, my doctor asked me how my life & relationships have changed since being released from the hospital. Tears streamed down my face and A lump settled in my throat. I hadn’t thought about that question and it filled my heart with such sadness. I told my doctor that I’m clearly not the same person I was and I am still grieving that. One of the hardest parts is that I have been a  very independent single mother for the past 15 years and the primary caregiver to my four children, I also believe I was a strong partner in my relationship with my significant other. How the tables have turned, now they Are my caregivers and that’s a hard pill to swallow. My children and my boyfriend have had to make so many sacrifices and thier lives have also been turned upside down.

I am here to tell all of you, Whatever the darkness looks like for you in your life, know that your not alone. Many of us don’t want to talk about our darkness, but I’m talking about it because it so vital to our mental and emotional health and well being.  Nutrition is a huge part of a healthy body, but your emotional and mental health are also extremely important. Mind body and soul all need to be healthy and working properly in order for your bodies to fight disease. When we remove the toxic stress and baggage from our lives, we make room for health in our bodies.

I have had many people ask me and some  wonder where I get my strength from and I can tell you, I have always stayed strong for my children and giving up has never been an option for me. When you have four sets of innocent eyes constantly watching you, I can’t give up, that wouldnt be fair to them.  I refuse to stop fighting.  A good friend of mine recently said to me, Jenn from the first time I met you, you have had this “fight in your eyes”,      I like to think of those fighter eyes as just part of my “fighter spirit”.

Whatever it is your battling right now, whatever life has thrown at you, stay strong. Life will knock you down, but find a way to pick yourself up, giving up is to easy.  When you stay strong you inspire other people to do the same. Take time to slow down and enjoy life, enjoy your children, spouses,family and friends. life is so unpredictable, tell the people around you how much you love them while you still can, because what if tomorrow never comes-

Please take care of yourselves, stop losing sleep and worrying about the people and circumstances you cannot control”. Think about that,  all the energy and worry we give people or circumstances and we literally have no control over the outcome. Learn to let it go, stop sweating the small stuff and Stop worrying about the things and people you can never change. This is so important for a healthy body. We only get so much energy in a day, use it wisely, don’t give the negative things your attention, they don’t deserve it. Stay healthy emotionally and mentally.

Life continues to knock me down, but I keep getting back up.  I’ve never felt so grateful for my children, my significant other and my brother and sister. They have all been extremely supportive. My brother said something to me one night as he was leaving my hospital room, he said keep fighting Jenn, your winning.  Yea, I like the sound of that–I am winning and it has definitely been worth the fight!

Please share with your family & friends, and until my next blog, much love- Jenn

 

 

Relationships

I’ve been approached by dozens of friends & family asking when my next blog would be posted, so here it is folks.

I have a couple of family members/friends struggling with relationships recently, so I thought it would be a good time to dig into this topic. As some of you know, back in 2001, with the solid support of my mom, dad, sister, brother and brother in law, I was able to remove myself and my four children from a very unhealthy and abusive marriage. I can honestly tell you without hesitation that this was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I had four children under the age of 10 who needed a healthy mother and deserved to be raised in a healthy environment. This was the beginning of my body breaking down on a cellular level. I lost 25lbs within two months because I could not eat due to the stress involved with ending this relationship. For months I literally lived on nothing but several pots of coffee each day. My face was caved in and I had absolutely no color, I looked like a walking & talking skeleton.  My body  was literally dying inside and I had so much mental and emotional destruction from the marriage, that I spent years inside counseling offices recovering, however for my body it was too late, all of the stress & turmoil proved to be to much and it ultimately led to my Cancer diagnosis 11 years later.

The importance of sharing this story with you is that there is no rewind button in life, we don’t get redues, so who we choose as our partners in this crazy life is so critical for our health and well being. Unfortunately for me, I ignored the red flags that were right in front of my eyes and stepped into what ended up being a extremely destructive and painful marriage.  I obviously have regrets from my past, But instead of dwelling on them,  I concentrate on all the positive things I learned during this extremely difficult time in my life. I am such a better person now, so much wiser and oh so much smarter. The best part of this story is that I was given a second chance at love, since my divorce I found my soulmate and have been in a very loving relationship  for nearly 14 years now. He is truly my soulmate on so many levels and he has been at my side through the Cancer diagnosis, dozens of Doctor Appointments, chemotherapy’s and was at my bedside during my 23 day hospital stay in December. You could say we have been through the good, the bad and the ugly.

So, the importance of this blog and my message is choose your relationships wisely, find a partner who loves you unconditionally, someone who lifts you up, someone who drives you to be a better person, someone who will treat you with respect and hopefully makes you laugh, laughter is the best free medicine out there!!!!! We all deserve to be loved Unconditionally,  We are all worthy of this kind of love and don’t let yourself settle for anything less. If you have recently lost a relationship there may be a good reason that it didn’t work out, make sure you pay attention to the red flags, the signs or messages that you are suppose to be receiving, how I wish I had done this.

We get one life, one time around so keep your body and mind healthy by choosing healthy relationships. Your mind, body and soul will be thankful you did. Much love, Jenn.

About

I invite you to follow my blog and my hope is to reach others out there who can either relate to my journey or those who just want to follow my progress. My blog is called  “coming out of the darkness” and the title will soon make sense to all.  My real journey began March 21, 2012,  at the age of 45, I was diagnosed with non-hodgkins lymphoma and was told there is no cure for my type of Cancer, but there are treatments available. How could this be happening to me, I  ate healthy, I exercised daily and at that time, I was convinced I was taking good care of myself. I was so healthy, right????

Well  years later, I can finally admit I wasn’t as healthy as I thought I was. All the healthy  food & excercise was great, but my stress level was through the roof. My attitude, negative emotions, negative thinking and suppressed anger are all the things making me sick. When you are diagnosed with cancer, you must assume the way your living is killing you.

I’m sick and I need to heal and this starts with rebuilding the body from the inside out. Although nutrition is a huge part of healing my body, I also need to heal myself emotionally and mentality.  I’m really scared but I’m holding myself accountable  and I’m ready to begin my new journey.

Please watch for updates on my blog, thanks for reading and please SHARE with those around you, much love…Jenn

Source: My journey

My journey

My blog is called “coming out of the darkness”. during my 23 day hospital stay and while in the ICU, there was a period of time where all I saw and felt was darkness. I heard things, felt things and saw things but all in this black darkness., hence my picture.  It was during the time in ICU that I was changed forever, not by choice but due to health complications my body had to fight like never before to stay alive. I’m having to accept that I will never be the same person I was before December 2nd, 2015.

It is the constant darkness that has become an ongoing battle for me, physically, mentally and emotionally.

I will be documenting my progress to hopefully inspire others.     I am determined to Heal my body mind and soul,I am lucky enough to have numerous health resources and  good friends who will be helping and supporting me As I begin this Journey.

Stay tuned for updates on my blog. Please follow me on this journey and please share with others. Much love, jenn