Night is fast approaching, I begin to see and feel my darkness. As night falls, my anxiety only rises. The loneliness sets in and its the beginning of another night paralyzed with fear. Oh the thoughts, memories all swirl inside my head, I hate being left alone with these thoughts-the same morbid thoughts. I feel like I need to cry, but the tears won’t come. The insomnia is never ending, the nights go on forever and then the light starts to appear, it’s morning now and still no sleep. My eyes feel so heavy and my soul so empty.
Let me explain, Ever since my release from the Hospital 14 weeks ago, I have spent every single night in this darkness. I spent 23 days in the hospital,most of my time in the ICU, I was connected to a breathing machine and unconscious. There were times I could still hear the camotion, feel the doctors and nurses poking me, moving my body all the while, darkness consumed me. It’s hard to explain this, but this is how my surgeons and doctors explained it to me. Even though I I was unconscious, my sub-conscious mind was still processing everything going on around me. It was during my time in the ICU that I nearly lost my life, but I have to believe that God wasn’t ready for me yet and my body fought like hell, I’ve been blessed With a second chance.
Today one of my doctors diagnosed me with Acute Stress Disorder and now I will need to start counseling so my mind can heal. Today, my doctor asked me how my life & relationships have changed since being released from the hospital. Tears streamed down my face and A lump settled in my throat. I hadn’t thought about that question and it filled my heart with such sadness. I told my doctor that I’m clearly not the same person I was and I am still grieving that. One of the hardest parts is that I have been a very independent single mother for the past 15 years and the primary caregiver to my four children, I also believe I was a strong partner in my relationship with my significant other. How the tables have turned, now they Are my caregivers and that’s a hard pill to swallow. My children and my boyfriend have had to make so many sacrifices and thier lives have also been turned upside down.
I am here to tell all of you, Whatever the darkness looks like for you in your life, know that your not alone. Many of us don’t want to talk about our darkness, but I’m talking about it because it so vital to our mental and emotional health and well being. Nutrition is a huge part of a healthy body, but your emotional and mental health are also extremely important. Mind body and soul all need to be healthy and working properly in order for your bodies to fight disease. When we remove the toxic stress and baggage from our lives, we make room for health in our bodies.
I have had many people ask me and some wonder where I get my strength from and I can tell you, I have always stayed strong for my children and giving up has never been an option for me. When you have four sets of innocent eyes constantly watching you, I can’t give up, that wouldnt be fair to them. I refuse to stop fighting. A good friend of mine recently said to me, Jenn from the first time I met you, you have had this “fight in your eyes”, I like to think of those fighter eyes as just part of my “fighter spirit”.
Whatever it is your battling right now, whatever life has thrown at you, stay strong. Life will knock you down, but find a way to pick yourself up, giving up is to easy. When you stay strong you inspire other people to do the same. Take time to slow down and enjoy life, enjoy your children, spouses,family and friends. life is so unpredictable, tell the people around you how much you love them while you still can, because what if tomorrow never comes-
Please take care of yourselves, stop losing sleep and worrying about the people and circumstances you cannot control”. Think about that, all the energy and worry we give people or circumstances and we literally have no control over the outcome. Learn to let it go, stop sweating the small stuff and Stop worrying about the things and people you can never change. This is so important for a healthy body. We only get so much energy in a day, use it wisely, don’t give the negative things your attention, they don’t deserve it. Stay healthy emotionally and mentally.
Life continues to knock me down, but I keep getting back up. I’ve never felt so grateful for my children, my significant other and my brother and sister. They have all been extremely supportive. My brother said something to me one night as he was leaving my hospital room, he said keep fighting Jenn, your winning. Yea, I like the sound of that–I am winning and it has definitely been worth the fight!
Please share with your family & friends, and until my next blog, much love- Jenn