My last blog as most of you know was pretty dark, hence the title my darkness. I shared my struggles with my Insomnia, anxiety, fear. dark thoughts & dark memories and flashbacks that come alive each and every night. The un-invited demons that enter my world each night as the darkness starts to rear its ugly head.
Lately, when my body gets exhausted enough and actually gets tired of being tired, it will allow me to fall asleep, however, only for twenty to ninety minutes at a time. My body does not allow me to sleep for hours at a time yet. When my body allows me to fall asleep for these small amounts of time, it allows my troubles to go away. Even if it is for a very short time,it is during this time that my body and mind gets to rest. I have no worries, no fears, no anxiety, no darkness. I have been grateful for these small moments. When I wake up after my twenty or sixty minutes of sleep that I’m allowed, it only takes a few seconds before I suddenly feel the excruciating pain in my stomach, It doesn’t take long for me to realize that this is real, no dream. I wake up and I realize that I am sick, I have Cancer and I have a huge scar in the middle of my abdomen that reminds me everyday what my body has been through. How I wish I were dreaming all of this-how I wish it were all a bad dream.
As the morning starts creeping in, the morning light starts peeking through my windows, I am able to see the pictures of my children, my boyfriend, my family and then I know I need to get out of bed and start the fight. The pictures give me hope, remind me of who I used to be, the good times, the laughter, the love that I am lucky enough to have. These pictures and memories are so important as they help me get out of bed, help me put one foot in front of the other and push forward. unfortunately this is not a dream this is my reality.
I’m sure you all know what I am talking about and can relate when it comes to sleep and dreaming. Sleep is so vital to our health, sleep allows our bodies to heal and repair, but sleep also gives us a bit of peace. It gives us a break from everyday stress,troubles, worries, sickness, finances, whatever it is for you, hopefully your body allows you to sleep and if your lucky you get to dream a little.
Whatever it is your going through, know that it will all be okay. What seems like the end, usually is the beginning of something better. Keep your faith and look for open doors in your life, they are often right in front of us but we neglect to see them. God sends specific people into our lives for a specific reason, don’t ignore those individuals. I suggest you put some pictures of the ones you love in your bedroom, or something that will inspire you to get out of bed ready to fight. Perhaps more importantly,find your purpose the reason to fight or ask yourself “what am I fighting for”?
Tonight, I pray for sleep, for all of us to be able to rest our heads, even if it is just for a little while. Tomorrow is a new day and each day is a new start for every one of us, make the best of it.
I also have some exciting news, but you will have to wait a little longer before I can share with all of you. After my last episode with my health issues, I have been able to find my new purpose in life and it will allow me to help others. Stay tuned everyone.
Much Love- Jenn